I am Satine, Smart, Beautiful, and Modestly Lost
by Catherine Antrim
Summary: The revised version. Corrected for spelling and historical accuracy. The story of how Satine came to work at the Moulin Rouge and why she's against love. Complete.
1. Romeo and Juliet

Disclaimer: I don't own moulin rouge or Satine and I'm not writing this for profit. So don't sue me. I have no money.

I am Satine, smart, beautiful, talented and extremely rich. I was born here in England sixteen years ago today. I'm sure Daddy will have a mountain of presents for me. It's a pity Mama isn't here. I still have her picture on my bureau. She died giving birth to me. Daddy loved her with all his heart and according to my sister Alice, has never been the same since.

All the same I hold in my heart morals that many people have called childish and naive. I believe in true love at first sight and I believe in art and expression. It's my dream to be an actress but of course it's forbidden. I'm very much Daddy's little girl and I'm glad he doesn't hold Mama's death against me. Alice used to be the favorite but ever since she married a Protestant he hasn't spoken to her. Quite the opposite with me, ever since she's become a hero to me for letting no one stand in the way of true love and hope to do something brilliant like that myself someday.

This morning I woke up feeling happy all over. The March sun was shining in through my white curtained window and I felt a pleasant glow all. The maid, Rosa came bustling in with warm water and my freshly ironed best dress. I jumped out of bed.

"Morning Rosa."

I began washing in a hurry. Downstairs there was a special breakfast, my favorite: eggs, sausage and fresh fruit and tons of beautiful gifts. Jewelry, a new dress, and a wonderful new novel from "my pen friend Mildred." (That's the name Alice uses when writing to me). Daddy had an old snobby looking man along whom I assumed was one of his scholarly friends, rich, stuffy and deathly boring. He too had brought me a present so I decided to be nice to him.

"Satine, this is Mr. Dumont," said Daddy. I smiled politely.

"Ever so pleased to meet you Mr. Dumont."

He handed me the present which was wrapped in gold paper and inside I found some very fancy French perfume. I sprayed some of it and nearly suffocated from the overwhelming odor.

After breakfast Daddy led both of us into the parlor. I had tried to dash upstairs to try on my new dress and maybe start my novel but Daddy caught me and insisted I play piano for Mr. Dumont. I was surprised for usually Daddy let me do whatever I wanted as long as I wasn't running away to France with Protestants.

It was then I understood who Mr. Dumont was: A suitor. The same thing happened when Alice was sixteen. Men, dreadful, old, boring men, began coming trying to win her heart and her money. It's no wonder she ran away, Daddy ought to have seen that but I guess not. So I played piano for Mr. Dumont and sung a very boring song which pleased him immensely as I knew it would. The song was almost as boring as him. He then told me a long story involving him and a bank and something to do with the stock market. Obviously he thought it made him sound heroic but it only made him sound duller. Daddy saw me drifting off and chose then to announce that he had another birthday present for me. Tickets to my favorite play: "Romeo and Juliet" which always got me in tears. I jumped up and hugged him around the neck.

"You're the best Daddy!" And I ran upstairs to get ready. It took me nearly two hours to get ready because I couldn't decide what to wear. Finally I picked a dark blue dress which looks lovely with my eyes. I put on rouge and not horrendous perfume and then inspected myself vainly in the mirror. I was beautiful and I knew it. My sister Alice looked a lot like me only she was blond. When she had lived at home I had always compared myself to her and felt ugly. Then I was a silly teenager and even the prettiest teenagers feel awkward. Having a sister who caused men to swoon at the sight of her didn't help. Now I knew I had been silly to compare myself to her. She may have been prettier but I had something else, an exotic look that she would never have.

Rosa came in, bustling around, straightening my dress. Rosa has cared for me ever since I was very small. In fact I can't remember a time when she hasn't been there to sing me to sleep and tell me stories. Now that I'm older, she guides me through becoming a woman and I don't know where I'd be without her. She's more a mother to me than my own Mama is. No fault of Mama's of course. I'm being silly to compare them.

When I was ready, I rushed downstairs and into the hall where Daddy and Mr. Dumont were waiting. I put on a light weight jacket because it was starting to get colder out. Mr. Dumont offered me his arm as we got in the carriage. I could think of a lady like way to refuse so I simply pretended not to see it. All the way to the theater Mr. Dumont tried to make conversation with me.

"I think the key to a good relationship," he was saying, "Is trust. I think you should have honest conversation and never be afraid to tell the truth." Daddy gave me a fierce look. He knew I was longing to say that the truth was I though he was old, smelly, boring and pompous. Instead I said simply.

"What about love?" He looked at me like I'd grown horns. Then he laughed.

"Dear child, there are more important things then love. One needs food and clothes and a bed to sleep in. How would you know, you are so young? You must have watched one too many romantic plays!" and then he was off on a rant about the theater. "Putting foolish ideas in peoples heads! Making them forget reality!" I was getting angry. Daddy was treating him to the theater and all he could do was complain. I looked at Daddy and saw that his face was carefully expressionless.

"I like the theater." I said firmly. "And if you don't, no one is making you go." He ignored me and I felt like smacking him. Luckily for him and probably for me too because Daddy would have murdered me, we arrived and the theater and I found it far easier to forget he existed there.

The theater was one of my favorite places on earth. I loved the way it smelled- perhaps slightly like musty curtains and costumes and paper. For me that's the smell of performance and adventure. When one is on stage, you are no longer yourself. You cannot see the audience so the whole world is truly a stage. At least that's what I've heard. Daddy would never allow me on to act on stage. 'Isn't lady like.' I know I can act though, Alice and I used to put on our own mad perfomances in the garden.

We had a private box to ourselves, Daddy had arranged it. It was so good of him. Through the play Mr. Dumont tried several times to take my hand but each time he reached for it I suddenly got an itch and would have to scratch it. I watched the play so enthralled I quickly forgot him. I had seen it many times before yet never tired of it. The man who played Romeo was the best Romeo yet but I thought I'd make a better Juliet. I whispered along with my favorite lines and by the time it was over I was in tears.

It made me think. Thinking was something I seldom did seriously but now I was getting older so maybe with age comes thought. Maybe that's why old people are so stiff. Why did adults always think they knew what was best? Daddy is lovely in many ways and I know he cares about me and wants the best for me but I think there are some things I know better than him. Like my heart. What does he know about that?

I was so deep it thought as we headed out I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and when I stopped thinking I realized I'd lost Daddy and Mr. Dumont. How could they not have noticed that I wasn't with them? How could I have let myself get so lost in thought that I'd gotten lost in reality? It wasn't the first time. Trying not to panic I headed toward the stage figuring if I stood on it I'd be able to see where they'd gone. I was so distracted as I scanned the crowds that I didn't notice the dark-haired boy come stand beside me until he put his hand on my shoulder. I jumped and spun around.

"Ain't lost are ye? miss…" he asked. He gave me a white toothed smile. I looked at the floor suddenly shy.

"Satine and I'm not lost sir. I know where I am. Its my father who's lost," I said. He nodded.

"Anything I can do to help?" he said. Before I could answer I saw Daddy and That Horrible Man heading toward us.

"There they are," I said with a smile, still not looking up at him. Gently he took one finger and turned my face up forcing me to face him. He took my hand and kissed it.

"If ever you need help, just call for Rik. Anyone here will know who I am."

I found I couldn't look away from his deep hazel eyes. Finally I looked away and blushed deeply. I'd never been shy in my life but this strange boy unnerved me in a way no one ever had before.

"Bye and thank you but I won't ever see you again."

I began walking to Daddy and I heard him call from behind me.

"You never know."


	2. the whole world has stopped

Disclaimer: I don't own moulin rouge or Satine and I'm not writing this for profit. So don't sue me. I still have no money.

That night I had trouble falling asleep for my heart was beating so fast and when I finally did I had strange dreams. I dreamed that I was Juliet and Rik was Romeo and he was trying to tell me something only I couldn't hear him because Mr. Dumont was talking loudly about how bad it was to wear perfume that smelled like dogs. When I woke up the next morning all that I could think about was Rik; his big hazel eyes, his white toothed smile, his smooth dark hair. It was a wonderful feeling.

When Rosa brought me hot water, I was singing softly to myself. I kissed her on the cheek and spun in a circle, making my long, white, nightdresses puff out around me in a very romantic fashion.

"Oh Rosa I've never felt like this before!"

I couldn't stop smiling as I searched for the right words to describe the feelings going on inside me.

"It's as though the whole world has stopped spinning but it doesn't matter because . . . " I blushed. "There is someone who makes you forget all that and you want to be with them forever because they make you so happy."

Suddenly I fell silent feeling stupid but I saw Rosa was smiling.

"That's love Dear." she looked at me with a warm, motherly expression in her eyes.

"Love" I whispered. I was in love. This was what it was all about, this was why Alice was no longer Daddy's little girl, why all of us are alive, this is the most powerful amazing force in the universe. And I was feeling it. Rosa was saying something.

"So what is this Mr. Dumont like?"

"Wah?" I asked startled. Then I realized. She thought I was in love with Mr. Dumont. I figured loving Rik was forbidden. "Erm... he's alright. Very nice. Very... erm... interesting and erm... rich..."

Rosa raised her eyebrows and I could tell she wasn't fooled. I was a good making up stories usually but her question had caught me so off guard.

I recovered quickly and said much more convincingly, "I'm sorry Rosa its just I get all nervous when I think about him." I laughed. "So silly of me." and since I could think of nothing else to say I hurried to get dressed.

Later that day Daddy came to me in my room. This was very odd because I can never remember seeing him here. Surely he must have sometime but if he did I've forgotten. It's a very big house so usually he sends for me. I had tried to start the book Alice had sent me but I was having trouble getting into it. It wasn't the book, usually I would have loved it, it was just when ever I stopped Rik's face kept floating up and smiling with white teeth and when it did I got butterflies in my stomach. Daddy came in and sat down at the foot of my bed. I put the book aside glad for an excuse to stop reading it and surprised to see Daddy there. He smiled warmly at me.

"Miss Clark came to me this morning." he looked slightly uncomfortable.

"Who?" I asked in confusion. Then I realized. "Oh you mean Rosa.!" he looked very nervous now.

"Well she mentioned you had... well, certain feelings for Mr. Dumont."

I was going to strangle her.

"Erm..." I said, try to looked like a little girl with a crush. "Yes." I faked a blush and batted my eyes. "He's so handsome."

"I'm glad you feel that way because he liked you too and so I've told him that you will marry him."

I batted my eyelashes again and it took a second for what he said to sink in. "Oh... oh! Oh no Daddy how could you!" I felt sick. This was some kind of joke. "I just met him!"

Daddy laughed at me like I was a silly child. "Well I thought we should get things going fast. Can't have you running of with Protestants and theater scum," he said and he laughed hollowly but it didn't meet his eyes. I glared at him but was temporarily speechless. I could only gasp and gurgle in anger.

He got up and smiled falsely. "Well I'll leave you too think it over." He got up and left leaving me in a state of shock. I just lay on my bed. I closed my eyes and whispered to myself.

"I'm dreaming. This is just a dream. I will wake up and Mr. Dumont will be far away and I will marry Rik." I'm not sure if I actually fell asleep but I never went down for dinner and I spent most of the night fantasizing about me and Rik's life together and all the ways I could escape Mr. Dumont.

The next morning I opened my eyes with a plan fully formed. I rolled out of bed in my now very rumpled dress. I pulled one of my suitcases down from my closet and began shoving in dresses, books and jewelry. I sighed and leaned back against the wall. Daddy had given my everything I'd ever wanted but very little money since I'd never had any need for it.

I packed the picture of Mama I always kept close to my bed and the one of me Daddy and Alice that made Daddy cry whenever he looked at it. For the first time I understood why. We were all broken up. Daddy meant the best for us in every way but being an old man he didn't know what was best for a young girl. They were mysteries to him. He's watched his wife and older daughter die or leave and he was terrified that I'd leave too. He must have seen me with Rik and panicked because I was all he had left.

"I'm sorry Daddy," I whispered.

"Going somewhere?" said a voice behind me. I jumped and hurriedly dried my tears. It was Rosa.

"Daddy is taking me and Mr. Dumont to the sea shore for a few day." I lied quickly. It would be obvious I was lying soon but I'd be gone by then. "Isn't today your day off?" I added in real surprise.

"Yes, it is, but I stopped by to congratulate you sweety." She smiled and I almost cried again. suddenly I was hugging her.

"Oh Rosa thank you. Thank you for everything. I'll miss you so much."

"Its only a few days, don't cry dear I'll see you soon."

Right then I was tempted to tell her everything. But I couldn't, of course.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so emotional lately," I said. She kissed my forehead but had to stand on tip-toe to do so.

"I love you Satine," she said and left. I closed the door behind her, crying again.


	3. alone together

Déni- Je ne posséde pas le moulin rouge ou Mlle Satine ou quel autre des choses dans l'histoire. Je n'ai pas rien d'argent. Je ne parle pas le bien francais. C'est dommage.

I waited until it was dark to leave then I crept down stairs unseen. Once out side I was able to breath the fresh night air. I was free. Somehow despite the fact that at home I was terribly spoiled and had everything I'd ever wanted, I'd been controlled. Now I could eat where I wanted, sleep when I wanted, love who I wanted and sing whatever song I felt like singing I could even go where I wanted to go; the theater. 

Outside the gates and down the street, turning left, then right, then right again and so on. I knew the way well although it had always gone much quicker in the carriage. My feet were hurting and my back was aching but I finally got there and found to my distress that the door was locked. I was on the verge of tears again, this time in despair and frustration. Had I made a mistake to leave? I barely knew Rik and at home at least I had a bed and food and Daddy who loved me. I remembered Mr. Dumont's face and his sneering laugh and felt encouraged.

I knocked on the door and waited several seconds before knocking again, harder and longer. The finally a tall man with dark hair opened the door. He reeked of alcohol and had been busy with a dirty girl with limp dark blond curls and it was obvious he was not pleased at being disturbed. He looked down his rather large nose at me and grinned. Not a pleasant grin either.

"What's a purdy young fing like you doin' out at this 'our o' night?" he said. The girl giggled stupidly. She had empty brown eyes which bore resemblance to a dogs.

"Erm... I'm looking for Rik... he said I could find him here."

The man raised his eyebrows and the girl giggle harder but he saw I was quite serious and stomped off to look for him. I heard him calling:

"Riiiiiiiik! Rik me boy a loverly gurl's lookin' fur you! Riiiiiiik!" more heavy footsteps and nasal laughter and there he was. My heart was beating so hard my chest I swear you could see it though my dress. I was suddenly more aware of my own body then I'd ever been before. I could feel each part of it. Standing there neither of us knew what do so we just stared at each other for a moment.

"I need help." I said finally my voice wasn't working right and I felt strange all over. I was burning up. I wanted suddenly to have no clothes on at all and even then I'd be hot because my skin was on fire. I wanted him with passion and it hurt. "Help me." He took my hand and led me down a hall and up some stairs to a room that was small and dingy, compared to what I was used to. I didn't know what to do. My mind had gone blank. I couldn't take it much longer.

I'm not sure who moved first, but suddenly our lips were pushed together in a sloppy kiss. I pushed so hard my mouth got bruised. I wanted to be closer to him. Touching wasn't enough, I wanted him in me. It was a blur after that. We were fumbling with each others clothes, look there goes his shirt, and he was unhooking my undergarments. He pushed me onto the bed and it was amazing. It hurt because I was a virgin but I kept pushing. I wanted him in me. I was panting and moaning with delight and exhaustion took me. I feel asleep right there, still hot all over and we woke up the next morning side by side.

I was so filled with joy to see him next to me. I kissed his sleeping eyes and ran my fingers through his hair. And he woke up slowly, smiling slightly and I knew he was feeling the same intensely happy feeling as me. We didn't get dressed for a long time. We just lay beside each other, enjoying the essence of the other person. At home I'd never been allowed to sleep late or lounge it bed. Thinking of home I realized they must have noticed I was gone by now. I wondered what was going on and felt as though a hole had been punched in my heart. I tried not to cry and ruin the magic of the morning but a single tear escaped and rolled slowly down my face. Rik reached up and wiped it away.

"Why are you crying?" he asked tenderly.

"Oh Rik I'm in so much trouble! I'm supposed to marry a horrid old man so I left and I have nowhere to go!"

He held me close and I finally gave in and cried.

"As long as you're with me I'll keep you safe. We can leave this place if we 'ave to. We can both start a new life. I'd do that for ye. I've never felt this way about anyone before." and he kissed me again, softly this time, reassuring me.  
We spent the whole day together, he introduced me too the other theater people. He said he dreamed of being an actor but he was always to young. His brother played Romeo in the play I'd seen on my birthday, which seemed years ago and I seemed like a small child. Rik showed me his job. He ran things back stage and designed sets. He was a very talented artist. Then we went for a walk in the town. I had ridden through this neighborhood in the carriage but Daddy had never let me get out because he said it was not a proper place for someone of our class.

We were heading out of one of the boutiques when we saw a policeman down the street from us, talking to a blond woman in a long, black dress. There was hardly anyone else around and it would be easy for him to see me. I was pretty noticeable. I ducked behind a shrub just in time. He stopped Rik.

"You there! Young man! Have you seen this girl?" I was he was holding a black and white photograph of me. I remember when they took it. I had worn a dress that itched and had to sit still for a long time. It was on old picture, I must have been about eleven in it.

"Her name is Satine; she has red hair and blue eyes and has been missing since this morning." Rik shook his head. From my hiding spot I saw amusement in his eyes seeing the small child in the picture. No one but me who understood him so well would notice that of course.

"I'm sorry I haven't seen her. That's a shame." He was a good actor. For a second he had me convinced. The policeman asked something I couldn't quite hear and then in a still very believable way. "Yep I'll let ye know if I see her. Sure thing." He smiled helpfully like a good citizen. As soon as the policeman was gone we hurried back to the safety of the theater.

I knew we couldn't stay here much longer. The police were looking for me and I thought about Daddy and how he must be feeling right now while I was having the time of my life.

That night we drank red wine and got pretty drunk. It was then he told me about Paris. He said we could leave England and go to the place were art and theater were everywhere. The way he said it he made it sound like heaven and I could hardly wait to get going. And I could tell that when Rik said something he meant it. He had proposed things that yesterday had seemed impossible but now I knew that if he said we were going to Paris then we were going to Paris. I was so in love with him now and he was with me neither of us could lie to each other and we found ourselves recounting the worst memories we had, with no shame. Usually the thought of them made me want to crawl in my closet and die.

He told me about when he was younger, how his mother had drunk and how his father would beat them both to a pulp. I told him how when I was little I used to steal pretty things from shops for no reason at all Daddy would have bought them for me if I'd wanted but it had been my only way to rebel. I told him how I used to talk to my mother instead of god at night when I said my prayers. How I had no friends and hated other children almost as much as they hated me. Then we cried when we remembered these thing and held each other and made love for what seemed like hours. We were both young and confused and lonely but not alone anymore.


	4. brown eyed girl

Disclaimer: I don't own moulin rouge or Satine and I'm not writing this for profit. So don't sue me. I have no money.

Here I am in this smelly new city, far away from everything I have ever known and loved. I'm living in a smelly little flat, with some smelly people who drink and smoke and swear like barbarians and I'm having the time of my life. I love Rik so much that none of that matters. He got a job working at a club serving drinks and I work there too singing. I've had to learn a lot of new songs because no one is interested in the sort of song I learned at my voice lessons and frankly neither am I. All the men cheer when I get on stage and I feel like a star. I love singing and every song I sing reminds me of Rik, my beautiful baby. He's my sun and moon and stars and he's all I need. I want to write to Alice and tell her about everything but I can't really put it into words.

Human nature shouldn't be held back. We are meant to be wild and sexy and to swear and drink and wear make up otherwise why would god have invented these things? I feel so kindly to god these days. I never believed in him when I was at home or I feared him. A god is meant to help us and make us happy, not to confine us to behave a certain way. Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if I had never left. I'd never have been so wise and so alive. Back then I was only half living and I was alone. I used to dream of falling in love and now I am in love and it's beautiful and terrifying at the same time. I know I can't control myself anymore. 

All I live for sometimes is Rik. When he's not around, he's all I think about. We have sex and do things I've never even heard of. And I just drink it all in, I'm so screwed up. I'm drunk half the time and I don't even know what day it is.

We were thrown out of several different places for not paying the rent and I worked extra hard to earn enough money. One day I noticed it was all gone. I was furious. I loved Rik so much but we'd never be able to survive and I was prepared to tell him off as soon as he got home.

When he got there, I was screaming something about needing money and how he had to stop wasting it. He embraced me, kissing me passionately, cutting off my harsh words. It's so hard to stay mad at him when he is so sweet like this. He pulled a beautiful ring out of his pocket. It was silver with a blue stone.

"I'm sorry about the money its just- you are so lovely you had to have the best ring there is. Marry me Satine. We were meant to be together."

I kissed him again, pushing him onto the bed and groping for him, I love him as much as ever and as we fucked and made up I forgot my anger. We were falling asleep that night I heard him whisper.

"That means yes, doesn't it?"

We were married by a friend who was rather drunk but claimed he had been a priest in a past life. As for money I sold several of my old necklaces that I had never liked much anyway. Rik had shown me that some things were more important that money. Days past in happy blur and every evening I went to work and sung my heart away and every night when I got home Rik was waiting for me. 

One day I opened my eyes and found that I'm was in the club where we work but it was morning and everyone was gone. I had a terrible hang over. Groaning I got up. I must have gotten drunk and fallen asleep in the dressing room. I stumbled outside, wincing when the sun hit my tired eyes. Somehow I found my way home and I wanted only to crawl back into bed and go to sleep. I think if I don't my head might split in two.

There was a problem, there was someone in my bed, that someone was a pretty girl with dark hair and no clothes. Appalled I went to throw her out but just then I saw Rik lumbering out of the bathroom in his underwear with his eyes half closed. I jumped behind a pile of dirty clothes so he wouldn't see me until I wanted him to. He headed over to the bed, kissing the forehead of the girl and climbing into bed beside her. I coughed loudly and he jumped up, looking around in surprise. I stepped out of my so called hiding place. His eyes widened

"This isn't what it looks like! I... I.. I just... and she... and then... oh god." he looked frantic. "I love you!"

The girl was waking up and blinking in her big brown eyes confusion.

"What the hell is she doing here?" I didn't need to ask really it was obvious. I was in no mood for this. My hang over was really hurting and I felt nauseous.

"Out!" I screamed pointing at the girl. She ran from the room with the blanket wrapped around her looking frightened. I knew then it wasn't her fault. I knew Rik. He was tricky and she didn't look like she could be older than thirteen. He had probably played on her innocence and convinced her to bed with him and who knows how many times it had happened before. He leaned forward and kissed me. Whispering that he hadn't meant any of it and it was all a mistake but I didn't fall for it, not this time. I pushed him away.

"Please Rik, I need sometime. I need to think."

He looked at me uncertainly and I said again.

"Just go," I said and he left the room reluctantly.

"I love you Satine." he said. "I really do. I love you so much."

As soon as he was gone I collapsed onto the floor crying in a little ball. My whole everything way splitting apart right before my eyes. My world as I knew it was crumbling away. I lay there feeling my heart breaking. When I had no more tears left I got up and lay weakly on the bed. My head was buzzing but I wasn't tired anymore. I was confused and I had a new feeling that I'd never felt before. An emptiness of sorts. And it was growing, covering my body with shocked numbness.

There was a dirty, cracked mirror on the wall and I looked at myself, merely out of habit and found myself facing a stranger. This stranger was pale, with sunken eyes and cheeks. She was filthy and her greasy hair fell messily down her back. She hadn't washed since she came here, whenever that was. She thought she was grown up, wise and mature to have come all this way but her eyes showed a lost and afraid little girl. I was a stranger to myself now. I looked at the ring on my finger. Rik loved me and I loved him and before that had been all we needed but there was more. When needed trust. Maybe Mr. Dumont had been right. I shuddered. It was some comfort that I was happier here, in this mess then I would be with Mr. Dumont.

Slowly I lifted my body of the bed, noticing all the aches more than usual. Thinking about all the things I'd rather be doing right now I walked into the kitchen where I found Rik sitting at the table, smoking a cigarette and drinking something foul straight from the bottle which I took from him.

"Rik we need to talk." I said firmly, setting the bottle down next to me as I took a seat at the table next to him.

"That dress makes your breasts look bigger. Very sexy, how about I take it off with my teeth?" he was clearly very drunk and usually I thought he was cute when he was drunk but now he was just making me angrier.

"Rik this is serious! I could just leave now and you wouldn't be able to stop me!"

He smiles bashfully but quailed under my ferocious glare.

"Satine, you mean the world to me hic and I love you and I want to be with you. hic"

"I know Rik but this just isn't going to work. We don't trust each other. We are just fucking each other up."

"I wish. My offer still stands and my teeth aren't getting any stronger." Evidently he thought this was funny and he laughed stupidly. I could see this was getting us nowhere.

"Rik I want you out of here! Now!" he just stared at me blankly. "You here me get your stuff and go! Go home! Get lost! I don't care what you do! I want you out!" I wondered why I was saying this because none of it was true. I wanted him too do all that stuff he was talking about and I wanted it to be like it was but I was smart and I knew it could never be.

No one messes with me. People had learned that before. Lady-like my ass. When I was seven my father had sent me to private school and I ended up punching a girl in the eye. I was thrown out of school and after that only had tutors. I was stubborn. I'd learned to control my temper when I'd gotten older only because I had to.

Now it was all flowing back to me. Years of suppressed rage and months of fooling myself about love. I ran into our bedroom and threw all his stuff into a bag and grabbed the collar of his shirt, throwing him out the door and hurling the bag at him to. I slammed the door and walked over to the table, still seething. It took several minutes for what I'd just done to sink in and when it did I howled with rage and despair.


	5. Alice

Disclaimer- Ne own pas anything.

Alice lived in a small stone house covered in ivy in southern France with a lovely garden full of flowers. She was the kind of girl who it didn't take much to satisfy. She had a loving husband, three beautiful children and enough money to live comfortably. Plus her wonderful new piano certainly didn't take from her happiness. She loved the feeling of ivory keys against her fingers. She didn't care about fancy jewelry or silk dresses. In fact she only had her golden wedding band and a necklace that her dear little sister had given her years ago. A family heirloom.

Today Alice was absent in the usual comings and goings of the small village and her pretty face was greatly missed but no one was surprised because very often Alice was ill, as she was today. Everyone in town loved the soft hearted and beautiful blonde who was known for her delicious baking and her delightful skill at piano as well as for her love for her children.

As she lay in bed she thought about what the doctor had said. There was nothing he could do, she might recover on her own or... Alice stopped, she didn't want to think about. Alice wasn't afraid of much because to have fear you have to have a lot of imagination which had always been something she lacked. All mothers fear something happening to there babies and she feared dying only because her children would be mommy-less not because death scared her.

She was a good christian and had no doubt she would got straight to god even though she had married a protestant while she was catholic. She didn't really see the difference as long as you're a good person and she loved god and trusted he wouldn't hold it against her. It didn't take much imagination to imagine children with no mother. Mrs. Gagnon who lived across the way had died giving birth to her forth baby. 

While these unpleasant muses went through her head she head the door being open. Sure enough the shrill voice of her youngest daughter, Satine, Sadie for short, calling her. She got up and put on a dressing gown and went downstairs. And there she found a woman she didn't know wearing a dirty purple dress and looking at her feet.

"Is there something I can do for you miss?" Alice asked uncertainly. The girl looked up and her big, tearful and terribly familiar blue eyes met Alice's brown ones. "Dear god! Satine!"

After Rik left, or rather, was forcefully made to leave, I lay in my flat for who knows how long. I didn't eat, I didn't go to work but I slept and dreamed and cried a lot, not caring if I lived or died. I had made so many stupid mistakes and now they were coming back to haunt me. Childhood it is blissful ignorance but it's a drunk kind of ignorance and you do stupid things and the you wake up with the hang over of being adult. If you aren't lucky enough to have someone to help you to bed then you wake up on the floor.

I had always wondered why adults were so unhappy and now I was just another miserable grown up with problems that had no solution. It was depressing. The weather, it seemed, was mocking me. The sun shone in through the dirty windows telling me to wake up, "it's a beautiful day out" the sky laughed "too bad your alone". Yes, I was delusional. Who can help but be with all this god damned sunlight? I would have preferred a thunderstorm, at least that would have fit my mood.

I kept expecting Rik to come back to rescue me like he had before but he never did. He's probably already replaced me and forgotten. The bastard. I sometimes wondered, as I lay half conscious in the bed that once I had shared with the man I thought to be my soul mate, who I had become. I had never been the type to sulk or feel sorry for myself but then, I had changed so much I hardly knew what I was like anymore. I wondered if you only get one true love. Maybe it was all over. I'd had my happiness and now, now I was alone.

I might have lain there forever till I died but eventually the landlord came to throw me out because I had lost my job and I hadn't been paying the rent. When he did I was too drunk to care but when I sobered up I found myself in a pretty bad situation. I was homeless and alone in a foreign city where I barely spoke the language, with no money and just my suitcase full of dirty clothes. I was beginning to wish I had at least paid attention to my french tutor. My heart was broken but that was not all I concentrated on anymore. Something else had come up, the fight to survive and that was enough to keep me from falling too far into despair. I sold most of my jewelry and bought a train ticket to the last person there was in the world who could help me.

When I arrived at Alice's house a very dear little girl with thick red curls opened the door for me. She introduced herself as Sadie and told me her Mum was upstairs. She must be my niece I decided. Fancy me an Aunt!

Alice came downstairs in a long dressing gown looking older but still beautiful. She seemed so content, so wise and so adult that I found I couldn't face her. She asked if she could do anything for me and I realized she didn't recognize me. I thought I might split in two. My eyes began watering again when I thought about how much I had changed, my own sister who had been my best friend growing up, my all knowing one who alone offered me unconditional love no longer knew who I was. I looked at her and so comprehension fill her dear face. 

Then we hugged and cried and tried to talk but found that we couldn't do it without crying more. The little girl was watching us, unsure about our sanity. When we finally could talk we began telling our stories. By then Sadie had been smart enough to leave the room. Alice told me about her three children, the older two, Pierre and Danielle, were at school and little Sadie was named after me because she was youngest like me and had my hair. I told her about Rik and how we ran away and how I'd been so sure it had been love. As I spoke I felt relief and acceptance take me and I cried but this time it was in relief. Alice held me and rocked back and forth like when I was little.

"Poor baby, you're so young and yet have been though so much. I can tell you aren't the little girl I left behind. People think just cause we are older means we don't need love. We need it more than anyone else."

"Love just causes pain. Love is just a game."

"Well my love for you is no game. Now lets get you washed up." She led me upstairs and ran a bath for. I was so tired I almost fell asleep in the hot, soapy water.

After I was clean I felt so much better. Alice lent me one of her dresses, a pale yellow one. It was a color I didn't much care for but it was clean and soft and that's what mattered. Alice had made lunch but I found for someone who had eaten so little lately I wasn't hungry. All the same I ate some, I knew I needed the nutrients. She served me stew and soft bread.

The older children had come home for lunch. They were both pretty and darling. Danielle had straight, fair hair and hazel eyes which reminded me off Rik and almost started me crying again. Pierre had light brown curls and big dark eyes and the prettiest laugh. They both were chattering happily, Sadie listening with her mouth hanging open, her spoon halfway in. Danielle declared happily that summer holiday began in a week. Suddenly something occurred to me.

"Lisie," I said using Alice's old nickname. "What day is it?"

"Um... June 23."

It was June 23. I had ran away on March 9. I thought about it and realized, my heart speeding up, that I had missed two of my periods. My stomach dropped. This was why I wasn't hungry.

"Oh god, Alice, I'm pregnant."


	6. sunshine and roses

Disclaimer: I don't own moulin rouge or Satine and I'm not writing this for profit I'm writing it for fun. So don't sue me. Fun is not a crime (sings: you gotta fight for your right, to party) and I have no money. My singing doesn't earn me much.

Alice's family was very nice to me and at first living with them was heaven but it lost all of its charm before long. Whenever I looked at her children all I could think was "I don't want one of those!" and whenever she kissed her husband I remember all the times I had kissed Rik. Alice's husband really loved her. I was beginning to question my love of Rik. More like infatuation. I wondered sadly what it was like to feel real love. When ever anyone said "I love you" before leaving for school or work or going to bed I got all depressed.

Along with that, living in a quaint little town, which had seemed so charming and clean compared to the dirty old city, got boring after awhile. There were only a few little shops and not enough to keep me interested for very long.

As a last resort I got a job working in a boutique selling hats. I spent more time trying them on then working and the manager didn't notice. It seemed ideal to me. Unfortunately I got fired after three days for "insulting and generally vexing the customers." I was only trying to help them in making good decisions and the fur cap did make it look like she was having a bad hair day. Working had never suited me anyway. 

Furthermore, why did no one ever tell me what a drag it was to be pregnant? Alice has been through it twice yet she was still all sunshine and roses about it. At first you get sick all the time which is never much fun. Even Alice can't enjoy vomiting in the morning. I can just see her standing over the lou smiling saying "I'll just be a second dear!" Does she ever feel sad? Anyway then you start getting fat, something I had always been terrified of. It wasn't long before I felt like I'd swallowed a melon. Speaking of melon, I'd fancy some right now.

Alice, who was sick again, taught me how to knit and we spent a lot of time making baby clothes which I thought was very boring. All the same, despite the fact that I didn't want a baby at all, I felt a growing connection to the thing growing inside me. When the baby finally came it was a mess and the doctor was called. It hurt like hell of course. There was so much pain but all the sudden it didn't matter. There she was. Wrinkly, red and beautiful.

Once Juliette was born my life took on new meaning. Everyday was hopeful and I watched her grow, thinking about what the future would hold for her. She had the whole world ahead of her and she wasn't going to ruin things like I had. It was strange for me to think about someone beside myself. I had always put me first. What made Satine happy, what was best for Satine. Now I began thinking about what was best for Juliet and my own needs became secondary.

She was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. She had dark hair and looked the most like me but she had her Daddy's eyes and it had been too painful for me to look into them for a while.

Alice's family was so kind to let me stay with them. I had offered to pay them for my room but they refused and that was lucky because I had no money and had already sold all the jewelry I wasn't attached to.

I was rather worried about Alice. She didn't seem to be getting any better. She spent a lot of time in bed and coughed so hard I thought she would never stop. One December morning she came to me out of the blue. She put her too-pale hand on my shoulder.

"Satine I've always wanted to go to Paris," she whispered. I saw adventure and insanity in her eyes. I'd seen her like that once before and that was the night before she left. I raised my eyebrows.

"Why would you want to go to that loathsome city?"

"Well I'm not going to be around forever and I thought it would be fun if you and I took a trip together."

"You're not serious!"

"Satine please understand," she said softly. She looked desperate now.

"No you understand! You have a wonderful husband who loves you and you have no idea what kind of pain I've been through!" I said. I hadn't meant to say it.

I was crying now. She did this on purpose. She's not nice at all. She used to kick me under the table when she thought no one was looking. She used to read my diary too I'm sure of it. She's just a nasty person who hides it well. She likes to see me in pain.

"I'm dying," she said looking terrified. She was crying too.

"No... you... how?"

"I didn't want to tell you. I wanted do something fun and I could die happy."

I shook my head, speechless. I should die, not her. I'm the one who's wasted my life. .

"Alright, Paris it is"


	7. Fallen Angels

Disclaimer: I don't own Moulin Rouge or Satie and I'm not writing this for profit. So don't sue me. I have no money. That's not to say I dislike money, so if you have some you want to send me that's ok too. Songs used: Angel Standing By, Jewel and The Show Must Go On, Moulin Rouge. Italics are memories.

I've heard it said that when a person dies they must face all the things that they fear most and over come them to go to heaven. I would think I died except that the rundown train compartment looked like anything but paradise. I was trying to hide my feeling of intense sadness from Alice but it wasn't easy.

"Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, But my smile still stays on."

I hugged my arms tight across my chest, aching to feel my little girl against me with all my heart. I tried not to think about it but the memory of our parting forced its way into my thoughts yet again.

_It was late in the day and the sun's light had become orange and cast long shadows across the all-too-familiar lawn where I had been captured by dragons and had tea parties with fairies. Slowly I lifted one shaking hand to reach for the knocker, squeezing the pudgy hand that I held with my other hand tighter as I knocked, trying to hold on for ever. _

_The door was answered by Martin, the same butler who had chased me away from the fruit trees in the garden and snuck sweets for me. He didn't recognize me at first, and I felt oddly empty inside. Have I changed that much? He began to welcome me in the usual formal fashion._

_"Martin," I interrupted. "It's me." He merely stared at me for a second or two and then did a double take._

_"No! It can't be!" he said, dropping his formal air and ran to hug me. "I knew you'd return! Your father will be so happy."_

_"Martin look at me," I said. my voice shaking and I was afraid I'd betray myself and Alice. I wanted so badly to see Daddy again but I knew once I did it would be all over. "I'm not going to stay, but my daughter is." _

_Martin looked at Juliette, noticing her for the first time and me for the last. Her great gray eyes that I had learned to love as her own not her fathers were filled with fear, her round rosy cheeks were unusually serious, the red ribbons I had wound in only this morning were already falling out of her thick curls. "I've messed up my life already, but she's got a future Martin, she's going to be someone."_

_"That she is," said a voice that was too deep to be Martins. I was shaking head to toe._

_"Daddy!" _

_He emerged from the shadowy hallway and I ran to him. He held me in his arms like he did when I was little. For a while neither of us could speak for our tears. Finally Daddy spoke.  
_

_"Satine, please promise me you'll never sneak off again. I can't stand it." _

_I knew I'd told Alice, who was staying at a nearby hotel for she was not even able to come near the house without feeling ill, that I would be quick. Then she felt ill all the time now so it probably made little difference._

_"I promise," I whispered, I hadn't meant to say it and when I did I knew it must be a lie and once I heard my own voice I knew it was true._

_"Martin get us tea, you two must be hungry." I was going to deny it, find someway out of here quick, but Juliette beat me to it._

_"I'm fumished!" she announced._

_Somehow I ended up in the dinning room of the house I grew up in, eating biscuits and sipping tea. This was one place I'd never expected to see again. I felt empty inside, despite the cookies. Servants kept hugging me and telling me how they missed me and Rosa dropped the teapot she was carrying to us when she caught sight of me. Then she bustled Juliette off to take a bath, she hadn't been washed since we'd left nearly a week ago, leaving me alone with my father._

_"Daddy, I promised I wouldn't run away again but . . ."_

_"Satine, I can tell you have changed. You're still young but you are no longer a little girl. If you feel you must go than I will not stop you."_

_"Oh Daddy!" I cried. We hugged again and I'd never wished more that I wasn't leaving._

_"You'll take care of Juliette for me?"_

_"Of course, I've been so lonely."_

_"Promise me something."_

_"Anything"_

_"If I don't come back, and she grows up, let her marry someone closer to her own age ok?" Daddy just smiled._

_Juliette came out of the bath, her wet curls rapped in a towel, he cheeks wet from the heat. She was wearing a pink dressing gown that I recognized as mine, it had been my favorite._

_"Mummy is something the matter?" she smiled and hugged me. "It'll be ok mummy, I promise." _

By now Alice was asleep and I wanted nothing more than to bury my face in my hands and cry my eyes out but somehow no tears came. Instead I was left with a numb empty feeling that was worse than crying. Perhaps my father had been right, and I had matured a little. I knew whatever I was feeling was probably minuscule to the pain Alice was in, both physical and emotional.

So in that way I had grown, when I was a silly dreamer of a child who wanted to wear glass slippers and kiss handsome princes, I had only thought about myself. Now there was Juliette to worry about, Daddy would take care of Juliette, he was a good father in so many ways better than I was a mother. He was kind hearted and generous while secretly I was still wanted to be the center of attention, I was still in so many ways a spoiled little girl.

Then there was Alice. It should be easy to blame everything on my older sister; I had done it countless times before. For some reason right then, Alice was very hard to be angry with. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that she had just leaned her chalk white head on my lap and was sleeping with her mouth slightly open which put me in mind of the way Juliette looked when she climbed into my bed after a nightmare, although her skin was far whiter. Alice had always been there for me, now I got to do something for her.

When I was growing up it had been just me and Alice in a world of adults who thought children were to be seen and not heard, neither of us ever had any friends. We were very different and perhaps if we had a chance to make other friends we would have drifted apart in our different social groups. As it was, Alice was the one who taught me how to climb trees without ripping my skirt, who read me thrilling "penny nasties" and showed me how to hide them behind my mirror so no one would see them.

She had a simple charm about her that I, with all my dramatic scenes, could never match. I could lie and cheat and deceive without flinching but Alice never needed to. All she had to do was widen her big chestnut eyes and smile her in her most innocent smile to be given whatever she wanted. I had been jealous of her, in awe of her. I had worshiped her.

Then something happened that increased both my envy and my admiration her. She grew up. Alice was nearly five years older than I and when she turned fourteen, I was still only nine, much too young to care about things like boys. But Alice cared so I did too. Around that time Daddy had a new French cook. He made wonderful crepes and bread but spoke hardly any English. That's not the important part anyway. He had a son, Louis, who was studying as his apprentice but who really had no desire to follow in his fathers footsteps. I talked to him once and he told me that. He said all he really wanted was a nice wife and to have lots of children. I didn't pay much attention to him. He was older than me but not yet and adult and I was nervous around people that age. Alice on the other hand spent almost all her time watching him. I for one didn't know what the big deal was.

Then I caught them in the woods doing something strange and interesting. It was early fall and the leaves in their gold and pinks matched Alice's hair and cheeks so perfectly it was hard to tell if the trees where imitating her or her them. I remember it so clearly, that's when Alice became my god. For two years they kept themselves secret, when she was sixteen Daddy caught them together. There was a huge row. Daddy threw Louis out and fired his father. Alice for me was Juliet, the upper-class girl who was forbidden from true love.

She left a month later, she didn't tell me she was going to leave, and she played a game of checkers with me and made me cocoa and put me to bed. I should have suspected something when she let me win the game. She was gone the next morning.

I watched Alice twitch fitfully beside me. She hadn't been sleeping right I took her white hand in my own and covered her shivering body in my cloak. I kissed her on the cheek and stroked her soft curls, just as she had done for me when I was five and had had a bad dream. Now it was my turn. I was the one who would take care of her. I would sing her to sleep and make her cocoa and she'd get better and we could grow old together. She stirred and mutter something I couldn't understand.

"Satine?" she whispered. "They're coming. Don't let them get me." I hugged her although I didn't know what she was talking about. "Stay here"

"All through the night I'll be standing over you" I sung softly. "All through the night I'll be watching over you and through bad dreams, I'll be right there, baby holding your hand, telling you everything is all right and when you cry I'll be right there telling you, you were never anything less than beautiful, and so don't you worry. I'm your angel standing by."

A single tear rolled down my cheek on to her hair as we pulled up into the station where it was snowing.


	8. Merry Christmas

Disclaimer: I don't own moulin rouge or Satine and I'm not writing this for profit. So don't sue me. I have no money. That's not to say I dislike money, so if you have some you want to send me that's ok too. I don't know who wrote the song but it wasn't me. Ok. Happy happy joy joy.

Harold Zidler looked out over the bleak grey sky. The Moulin Rouge looked a lot less impressive during the day, without all the electric lights and swirling colors. Everything around him in fact, seemed to have lost its interest. He heard Marie crying in the next room and his heart sank even lower. She entered and gently put her hand on his arm.

"Honey, you better come now." She said, shaking head to toe. He looked at his wife. Her face was wet and her eyes were red. Her skin hung loosely on her body, she had lost too much weight to quickly and there were lines etched firmly in her forehead that hadn't been there last time he looked at her. He allowed himself to be led into the other room.

The walls were painted cotton-candy-pink and in the center of the room there was a bed with white lace sheets, beside the bed a grim looking doctor knelt, in the bed lay a girl he barely recognized. Her skin was so pale it seemed translucent and her usually vibrant hair was limp and wet with sweat but the worst part was her eyes, sunken into two dark circles and starring straight ahead.

Harold looked for the little girl he had sung and played with, the girl who's eyes lit up when she laughed, who had a voice like a song bird and a flair for drama and art and loved anything beautiful. Here there was only a zombie to serve as what once had been his daughter.

He held her slender hand in his own. "Simone" he called softly, still searching for his beloved. Her lips quavered feebly but no sound came out. "Simone, it's Daddy." Her lips were still again. Marie was weeping silently, unable to speak.

"She's gone" the doctor said heavily. "I'm so sorry." Harold's lips quivered and he buried his face in his hands, knowing it was true but feeling a inevitable sense of disbelief. His little diamond who he would have walked to china and back just to see her smile, gone. He would never again here her voice or feel her hand upon his own. Marie and thrown herself upon the bed beside her daughters body, unable to control herself. Harold thought their lives in a way, all ended that day. 

Unfortunately they didn't. The next few weeks were unbearable but he bore them somehow. There was a funeral, a service and after that he slipped into darkness. He stayed in his rooms, eating only enough to survive, feeling the emptiness of the house with out the pitter-patter of little feet or the bursts of high singing that usually filled the apartment. Everything brought back memories. The rug where she spilled grape juice, the hat stand; didn't she used to wear a big blue floppy hat? The stairs, remember how she used to slide down it, her red hair flying behind her? 

Unable to stand it anymore he fled to house, roaming aimlessly through the darkened streets of Paris, looking for somewhere, anywhere he could escape to among the city lights. Then he saw her, the ghost. He rubbed his eyes, it couldn't be, but she was still their, supporting another girl, her fair face shining with delight, her eerily familiar red curls strew messily down her back. Both of the girls singing in rather loud voices and wearing large floppy hats.

"Who ever thought the sun will come crashing down, my life in flames, my tears complete the pain" she sung. She had a sweet voice, even when she was rather drunk. Just like Simone.

"We fear the end, the dark as deep as river bed, my book of life incomplete without you here," sung the blonde.

"Alone I sit and reminisce. Sometimes I miss your touch, your kiss, your smile. And meanwhile you know I never cry," sung the Simone look-alike.

"Cause inside you know our love will never ever die," they sung this verse together, or tried to. They ended up sing over each other and breaking out laughing at random intervals.

"Everything's gonna be alright," they screeched. "Everything's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be alright. Together we can take this one day at a time." They turned away down another street although their singing still carried to his ears. He remember suddenly how the rest of the song went.

"I never thought my heart will miss a single beat." he sung softly to himself. "Caress your hand as I watch you while you sleep. So smooth, I weep as I search within. To find a cure to bring you back again."

He was still singing it as he walked home, smiling for the first time since he'd lost Simone. Maybe everything would be alright.

"I'd give my life to only see you breathe again, hand in hand as we walk on the white sands, to hear your voice rejoice as you rise and say this is the day that I wake pray okay. I miss you much, I wish you'd come back to me, you see I waited lifetime, 'cause you're my destiny."

He didn't remember that it was christmas until he got home and was turning the key in the door.

Cause

Everything's gonna be alright 

Everything's gonna be okay

Everything's gonna be alright

Together we can take this one day at a time

On Christmas morning I woke up rather late to the smell of sausages cooking. I smiled and didn't open my eyes, basking in happiness. Christmas had always been my favorite holiday, I remember waking up at the crack of dawn and sneaking into Alice's room to wait for the rest of the house to wake, my whole body shaking with anticipation for the pile of presents that I knew would be awaiting me.

I knew today the present pile would be a much smaller than it was with Daddy but that didn't much bother me, I was with Alice and we had bought a small turkey and potatoes and we could have a real feast plus I had bought two tickets for a show at the local theater as a surprise for Alice. I heard Alice come into the room singing merrily to herself.

"Hark the Harold Angels sing glory too the new born king, la la la la da da," she sung. I snorted, she didn't know the words. I felt her weight as she sat down on my bed. I kept my eyes closed but I was laughing. She leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Out of bed sleepy head!" she shouted as she pulled the off the covers. "You've got presents!"

Finally I opened my eyes and saw sunlight was streaming through the little window of our rented flat and the dirty streets outside had become white frosted over night.

"Its snowing!" I threw off my blankets completely and rushed to the window, forgetting my age and pains for once. I was ten again. Beside me Alice was beaming. He hair had begun to turn white recently and she new lines around her eyes, although she was only twenty-five. Today she looked as youthful and lighthearted as a little girl.

It was the happiest I'd been in a long time. We had sausage for breakfast and didn't get dressed until dinner. I got less presents than I had in the past but I appreciated the ones that year more than ever before. 

Alice gave me a had knit scarf and I wondered briefly how she had managed to make it with out me seeing. Alice's husband sent us a gift basket with wine and fruit and a note saying he hoped to see us soon which for some reason caused Alice to cry. Daddy sent us both a pair of funny floppy hats with feathers sticking out the top of them, Alice's was pink and mine was blue. Alice laughed with delight when she saw them and thrust hers upon her head where it stayed for the rest of the day and it scarcely ever came off after that. Also in the package from Daddy there was a pretty hand sewn pillow and a card that said "to mummy, with love Juliette." Then it was my turn to cry.

I remembered the package that I had sent Juliette, it contained a French tea-set and the book Alice in Wonderland, I hadn't been able to wrap in without soaking the wrapping paper with my tears, finally Alice had taken over. I knew that no matter what happened I would make sure I saw Juliette again.

At four Alice and I got dressed. Alice was wearing a dark emerald dress and I a scarlet one. She's done something with her hair that made her gold curls look like a halo and put me in mind of an angel. The low cut of her dress revealed a pale gold chain necklace. I remembered giving it to her on another Christmas, years ago. It used to be our mothers. Funny that she still has it, I don't think I still have anything from back then.

I felt a tugging at my heart that I didn't understand but I smiled and helped her serve dinner. Alice had a knack for reading ky emotions like no one else and I didn't want anything but pure bliss for her today. We had a lovely dinner and I have never been more thankful for the simple pleasures of life, a warm house, good food and Alice.

We took a carriage to the theater, there was a special christmas show, we were sitting in the balcony and being back in a theater I felt a hollow longing in my stomach that I hadn't felt in a long time. The urge to perform. I wanted to be on stage, with everyone looking at me. It was a ballet and we had a wonderful time, it was so nice to be out doing something, not just working or wasting away or wasting away while working. Life was what you make it and I wanted to make something of it.

While Alice was in the toilets I lingered near the stage. I saw a girl with dark hair big eyes, wearing an assortment of black garments being yelled at by a man with greased back grey hair and a stripped scarf.

"Antonia, we can't tolerate this anymore, you're a great actress, beautiful, but you've got to show up for the rehearsals and the play for that matter!"

"But-"

"I don't want to hear it! You're out!"

"My friend-"

"Out!"

"Fine!" She turned on her heal and headed from the door, pulling her black shawl around her thin body. She saw me and she stopped dead. She stared at me, her mouth open, her eyes slightly mad. I raised a delicate eyebrow at her and she shook her head to clear it before continuing toward the exit, looking at me suspiciously over her shoulder. I was puzzled but soon forgot that when Alice found me.

We stopped at a bar and had a couple drinks. Ok more than a couple, I lost count after awhile. Then we wandered though the snow frosted street sing carols and holding hands, not to mention attracting funny looks. We sung ever song we knew and some we didn't. How we found out way home is still a mystery. All we could do was collapse into our beds, clothes on. We would suffer in the morning, hangovers and all, but isn't that what happiness is, the intervals between sadness.


	9. Happy New Year

Disclaimer: I don't own moulin rouge or Satine and I'm not writing this for profit. I just realize that one could say I own Alice, Mr Satine's father, Rik, Juliette and all those other characters but I don't. I mean I'm not telling this story anyway, Satine is. Don't sue me. Sue Satine. I have no money, she has all those necklaces. That's not to say I dislike money, so if you have some you want to send me that's ok too.

As yet another singer droned, in a somewhat flat soprano Nini allowed her mind to wander. She had no doubt that she would be the new sparkling diamond but it was just a formality that they had auditions, so they would know she actually deserved it. There was a window near her chair and she noticed that the snow had turned grey from the dirty Paris air. It had snowed on Christmas. Simone had loved to catch snowflakes on her tongue. Nini saw the more practical view of snow, it was more trouble then its worth.

Now it was new years eve. Nini reflected that she had never had many morals so she never felt a need to make new years resolutions. Simone always had though, neatly written them on pink stationary and been careful to go through with all of them. Nini smiled at the memory. Innocent, little Simone. She blinked her eyes and bit her lips and twisted her hands around each other. She didn't cry.

She wasn't the kind of girl who cried. She wasn't the kind of girl who wrote with pink stationary and she went where she pleased without a man to escort her. She was a tough girl, at least on the outside. She had always believed that whatever didn't kill you only made you stronger and she still believed that now. She also believed that she was already dead. She was so consumed inside that she had almost forgotten happiness. Almost but not entirely. No one can go on with nothing, not even Nini, although she hadn't had much choice about it lately.

The first thing that had made her life worth living was The Dream. Sometimes when the nights were warm and the air was still she would go to sleep with a glass of water by her bed. She always slept with a quilt, even in the summer, just like a little girl. On these lilac scented nights she would dream of a woman she didn't remember in waking life. She had dark hair and soft eyes and she held Nini close. Nini knew that was her mother although she had become an orphan very early in life and had never spoken to her.

Another thing that had kept her going was the theater. It was the one place where she could forget everything. On stage, with the bright lights and the costumes she could hide herself behind the script. She no longer had to be Nini.

These two things were what kept her going. What allowed a hint of a smile to play at her lips from time to time.

The real joy of her life had come from Simone. The fiery young woman had filled her with all sorts of emotions she couldn't understand and so she buried deeper within herself.

Simone had taken Nini in, almost as a sister although Simone had never had to sell her body in order to have a meal. Nini was Zilder's prized diamond, but Simone was his little girl. He loved her with a pure love that only a father could feel and therefor no one had ever felt about Nini.

Yes, one of the feelings Simone had sparked was jealousy. She was jealous of Simone's innocence and the innocent emotions she sparked in people around her but more than envy she had loved her. Nini knew nothing about loving someone but she couldn't deny her feelings about Simone.

It wasn't a pure sort of love, it was twisted with less pleasant emotions, hatred for the men who wooed her so easily, longing for her beauty and desire for Simone to feel the same about her. She ached so profoundly for soft, gentle hands to hold her when she was sad and for someone too love her in a way she didn't understand, that she no longer noticed it. 

She didn't remember a time there wasn't a hole in her. It was winter so the dream had stopped. She had been fired from the theater, when she thought about that the odd memory of the blue-eyed stranger who must have been a ghost. It couldn't have been Simone, for she had green eyes. Besides that Simone was dead. Nini bit her lips until they bled but it didn't stop the sucking feeling in her stomach. She thought she might be sick.

Nini noticed that the atmosphere of the room had changed. The chattering and yawning that moments before had filled the room had suddenly ceased. Several people gasped audibly. Nini looked up to see Her. She was standing before them in a faded blue dress, biting her lips, and twirling her hair. She looked nervous. In the front of the dance hall she saw Zidler, his knuckles were white. The girl smiled and shuffled her music, apparently unaware that she had sparked anything unusual in the audience.

"Well... you didn't wake up this morning, because you didn't go to bed, you were watching the whites of your eyes, turn red, the calendar, on your wall, is ticking the days off, the calendar on your wall is ticking the days off," she sung. She began softly but her voice was intoxicating and her face was so familiar yet so foreign. Nini was enthralled.

"Youve been reading some old letters, you smile and think how much you've changed, all the money in the world, couldn't bring back those days, you pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes, you watch a bird fly, across the clear blue sky" she continued. She seemed to be gaining confidence with each word she sung.

"This is the day, your life will surely change! This is the day, when things fall into place!

"You could've done anything, if you'd wanted, and all your friends and family think that you're lucky, but the side of you they'll never see, is when you're left alone with the memories, that hold your life together like glue

"This is the day, your life will surely change! This is the day, your life will surely change!"

She blushed and bowed and everyone clapped. Suddenly Nini felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. What if this girl was going to be the new Diamond? Yet again Nini would be second in command. Her fears were confirmed when she saw Zidler hugging her.

"Antonia! Come and meet Satine!" Nini rolled her pale eyes, jealousy burning like acid in her throat.


	10. Alice's last song

disclaimer- I don't own shit ok, are you happy? Good for you!

Today, on this fine spring day, Alice walked alone into the park. Usually she was afraid of the city, if nothing else she was afraid of its size. But for some reason today she felt fearless and bold. Perhaps the fresh air had brought it upon her, the smell of flowers, all over the city, was intoxicating. All of her worries, about money, about the future she had lost, about whether she would ever see her babies again and more pressingly Satines' new job.

Her little sister had recently begun work at the infamous Moulin Rouge. Alice knew that the job required more than just singing and dancing but she didn't think Satine had figured that out yet. Somehow Alice hadn't been able to tell her. She trusted that when Satine found out she'd leave and seek work elsewhere.

She was so talented, Alice though, she deserved the finest stage in France with her own dressing room and expensive costumes. As she wandered boldly among the puddles and pigeons all of this melted away into the clear blue sky.

"And you live your life with your arms stretched out, eye to eye when speaking, enter rooms with great joy shouts, happy to be meeting," Alice sung to herself, she didn't have Satine's powerful stage voice but her singing was sweet and light as the dew on the grass. That verse was Satine alright. How she loved her fiery sister. She sat on a bench allowing the sun to soak into her whole body.

"And bright, bright, bright as yellow, warm as yellow."

She got up and walked through the garden. French gardens are magnificent, especially in spring. She picked a delicate yellow rose and held it to her nose. She closed her eyes, allowing the smell to be everything for a few precious seconds.

"And I do not want to be a rose, I do not wish to be pale pink, but flower scarlet, flower gold, and have no thorns to distance me, but be bright, bright, bright as yellow, warm as yellow."

Alice was crying. Simple, happy, generous Alice. She could never yell or scold so she had to hold everything inside. She wanted to yell although she wasn't sure why. She felt so moved by strange emotions.

"Even if I'm shouting, even if I'm shouting here inside. Even if I'm shouting, do you see that I'm wanting, that I want to be so, bright, bright, bright as yellow, warm as yellow."

She lay in the grass, sunlight lighting up her features, her hair glowed, her skin shown. She didn't know what would become of her but she was ready for whatever came.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

I had always worn a corset, since I was a little girl. I remember my first time wearing one, Rosa had laced it for me. I had wondered what insanity had made people invent such things. All the same I had gotten used to it. But this was just crazy. These corsets were laced so tight I could hardly breath, yet Zidler expected me to be able to dance and do high kicks in this torture contraption. I bit my lip, refusing to complain.

Viewing myself in the mirror, I saw I had been smothered in makeup. It felt strange, I had never been aloud to wear it at home and when I ran away I was too poor to afford it and not skilled enough to put it on. My eyes traveled down my body. I thought my costume was the most beautiful thing I'd ever worn. It was cream colored with delicate gold roses embroidered on it. Antonia, or Nini as everyone called her, had done something with my hair so that my curls were tied back but still feel nicely across my face. She had even lent me, under Harold's instruction, a large, gold hair pin to hold it back.

I bit my nails and tugged on my hair. I was nervous. Tonight was my big debut. I had to sing and dance in front of everyone. I'd performed before but never sober and that wasn't the half of it. A few weeks ago Harold had taken me aside and explain exactly what it meant to work at the Moulin Rouge. I hadn't caught on for all of Nini's sly hits. At first I had been horrified but Zidler had whispered of what a star I would be, of the costumes I'd wear, the audiences I'd have. How easily I was bewitched by such ideas.

I wouldn't show it, but I was terrified. Still I buried it all inside. That was part of being a whore after all. The dressing rooms where hot, crowded and smelling but my senses seemed to have disappeared. I felt light headed. I heard Zidler's booming voice over all other noise. 

"Satine, you're on!"


	11. What I Want

Disclaimer- I don't own anything. This song is by the Flying Lizards. It is not by Josie in the Pussycats though it is in the movie.

I didn't get home until the early dawn, and then I stumbled into the flat, throwing my purse and hat messily onto a chair. I clambered into the bathroom, I felt dirty inside and out. As the water filled the chipped tub memories began to fill my head again. I buried my face in my hands a cried, heavy with pain and confusion.

I guess I must have made a lot of noise because I heard a noise and Alice was standing there, in her dressing gown, supporting herself on the frame of the door. Her hair was ruffled from sleep and she was blinking as the thin line of sun coming over the horizon hit her eyes. I could tell she was going to ask questions and I didn't think I could answer them. But she didn't. She didn't say anything at all, she came to stand behind me, her movements were stiff like an old lady but her hands were gentle as she helped me to undress.

For a second I pulled away when she touched me, remembering the last person who had touched me. I told myself I was being silly, she's my own sister! I relaxed and found that my legs weren't going to hold for long. But Alice was there, lowering me into the steaming bath. As I lay there soaking I felt tears moving down my face to mix with the bath water. I was too tired to even wash my hair but Alice was still there, softly rubbing. She smelled faintly of flowers.

She helped my into my nightdress and led me to bed, tucking me in and kissing me. All of this was done in silence, somehow Alice knew I needed it. Once in bed I had only time to think _"This is what it's like to have a mother"_ before sleep took me.

I awoke late in the afternoon with a headache and a vaguely nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. The memory of the night before came flooding back to me.

_The club was packed, can-can dancers twirling, men clapping, instruments banging but suddenly all was silent and every pair of eyes was on me. I appeared in a burst of gold and I began a fast song, my heart beating in my throat._

"The best things in life are free!" I sung, grinning mischievously. "But you can tell me 'bout the birds and bees." 

_I reached for the nearest man in the crowd and drew him in and sung sweetly _

"_Now gimme money" he swooned and relaxed and I yelled "THAT'S WHAT I WANT. That's what I want. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!" _

_He jumped. I spun around, dancing to the heavy drum beats. "That's what I want, ye-ye-yeh! That's what I want!"_

I made a fake thoughtful look "Money don't get everything it's true." I sung and then added with a simple smile, "what it don't get I can't use." 

_I grabbed another man and pulled him into a tight embrace, groping him all over _

"_Your lovin' give me a thrill" I sung seductively. _

"_But your lovin' don't pay my bill!" I sung as I pushed him roughly aside. "Now gimme money! THAT'S WHAT I WANT. That's what I want! THAT'S WHAT I WANT! That's what I want!"_

"_Ye-ye-yeh! That's what I want!" sung the diamond dogs in the background.  
_  
I lumbered stiffly into the main room of our flat to find Alice asleep on the couch. She heard me enter the room and opened her eyes, blinking and suddenly she sat up, trying to hide something from me. I caught only a glimpse of a handkerchief. My heart sunk briefly. "Lisie, what's that?" She smiled tiredly.

"Nothing sweety," She picked up my hand and stroked it gently. I was still worried but I pushed it aside. "How was your performance."

I smiled bitterly. I wanted to tell her about the old man who had smelt of fish and cigarettes and how much it had hurt but I couldn't bring myself to relive it. Instead I smiled and remembered the gold roses that covered my costume and the way my voice range out through the dance hall.

I told her about the show and the dress and all the while I kept that stupid grin plastered on my face. I knew my acting wasn't up to what it could be and I expected Alice to rip in apart instantly and I knew that I would be crushed. Instead she played along.

"That's wonderful! Oh Satine!" she said. She hugged me. "We must celebrate!"

She walked into the kitchen and I followed. I perched myself on one of the counters. The spring sunlight was streaming in through the open window, lighting up Alice's hair so it looked like spun gold.

She set about uncorking the last bottle of wine from the gift basket. She was having a lot of trouble, her too thin arms were struggling. Alice had lost a lot of weight lately. I wished she's let me take her to a doctor but she said she's already seen one. Suddenly her eyes met mine.

A lot of people say that brown eyes are plain a murky, without the dimensions of pale eyes but I noticed Alice's eyes were the exception. Sometimes at night they were a masked and smoky shade and on other days, such as now, when the morning sun hit them they glowed as sparkling amber. I knew she was really happy. She wasn't a fake like me.

We held each others thoughts a minute, I knew she was sensing everything I was feeling then, this strangling peaceful new Alice whom I had come home to, I was feeling her pain. It was so strong I was almost overpowered. Fear, uncertainty, confusion, lose, bitter love, loneliness, all of these emotions mashed together and tugging on her heart. As suddenly as they had begun, the emotions disappeared and I was left with a simple peaceful indifference.

I jumped, the wine bottle plummeted to the floor and broke into a million pieces, sloshing Alice's skirt with dark liquid. Alice followed it, her body falling in an arc. I was at her side in a instant, cutting my feet on the glass which littered the floor. I caught her and hauled her onto the sofa, had I not been so filled with fear I would have marveled at how little she weighed. He breathing was shallow and ragged and her lips were stained with blood. Beads of sweat had formed on her forehead.

"Alice, oh Lisie, sweety, don't do this to me."

Alice opened her eyes, they were peaceful and ready. But I wasn't.


	12. epilogue

Chapter 12.- epilogue

Disclaimer- according to my insane universe Moulin Rouge is real and no one owns it. That is if you don't believe in god. If you do Baz can be god and I am but a rebellious angel. My friends call me Lucifer. I don't believe in god unless god is Baz, because I believe in Baz I just don't believe Baz is god.

1899

After coming to the Moulin Rouge I was very busy, working night and day to pay off Alice's many medical debts. I was so busy, switching between costumes, performing and sleeping with various strangers, that I didn't have much time for anything else. Two years past since I moved into Zidler's flat before I even unpacked my suitcase. Zidler provided me more fine dresses and jewels than I could possibly ask for. I was his little girl, his sparkling diamond and I more than earned my stay.

Since I had begun working there, the profits of the Moulin Rouge had doubled. We were famous, I was famous. My own bedraggled garments now seemed unfit compared to the dazzling costumes I now had, although there has been a time when they were considered high fashion.

In the summer of 1899 the intense heat caused something in my closet to acquire a bit of an odor. After clearing away shoes, musty dresses and years of dust I uncovered a slightly crushed trunk with the peeling letters S.M. Desmereges emblazon upon it. My heart burned as the memories the trunk arose hit me. It had lived at the foot of my bed since I was to small to read the words on it. It had moved with me to Rik's flat, traveled across the channel four times before returning to Paris. Apprehensively I undid the clasps and pulled open the top.

Inside, messily folded and somewhat squished, lay a sea of memories. I relived each of them as I pulled them out and laid them gently to rest in the dark quiet of my bureau, sometimes shedding a tear or two in the process.

I found the pearl necklace I had worn on my sixteenth birthday, the day my life had changed forever. I then unearthed the plum purple bonnet that matched the dress I wore for two weeks straight when I lived with Rik. It had been my favorite I'd carefully smooth each item, softening the wrinkles of my old dresses with an absent minded gentleness.

The most painful part was when I came upon my dove white dress, fair as freshly fallen snow on the top but at the hem it was ripped and stained with dark smudges of blood and wine. The dress I'd worn on the day Alice fell into her coma. For me it might as well have been the day she died. My throat tightened and my eyes burned with hot tears as I remembered how fragile her face had looked in the white hospital bed.

I coughed, a hacking cough that had once racked Alice's body and kept me awake at night. After she fell into her coma it had been the only noise she made. Now it haunted my room at night. My whole body convulsing, I closed my eyes, waiting for it to pass so I could pretend it never happened. When it did I felt sick and weak as well as still feeling desolate at the lose of Alice. Although it had been more than two years, there are some things that scar you forever.

The engulfing silence that now hung heavy in the room was broken by a sweetly singing voice. "Want to vanish inside you're kiss, everyday I love you more and more!"

I smiled and went out on my balcony, where I could see my very own penniless poet, sleeves rolled up, hair askew, simple and happy, enjoying the weather. His innocent wisdom had shown me that there is nothing wrong with being naive. In fact it had been exactly what I need to pull me out of my bitter, secluded depression.

"And there's not mountain too high, no river too wide, just sing out this song," he sung, not seeing me.

"And I'll be there, by you side!" I sung down to him. He looked up at me and smiled.

"Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide, but I love you until the end of time," we sung in unison. Our voices blended smoothly together. He blew me a kiss and I did the same before he continued on his walk, humming softly and I went back inside.

There was only one thing left in trunk, my old red leather purse. I opened it up to find a tube of lipstick, some crumpled handkerchiefs and a small piece of silver jewelry. I pulled it out and found a ring that I had once been unable to look out without causing floods. Now, to my surprise, I was able to hold it without so much as a sob. Unlike Alice, the wound in that had been Rik had been salved and bandaged by Christian.

Smiling, I retrieved my purse and hat from under and chair and the bedpost where they had been slung messily. I headed for the door, still grinning to myself. Outside it was a fine summer day. For one of the hottest summers on record it was surprisingly cool, not too humid, just pleasantly warm and smelling of fruit and flowers.

I made my way through the streets, attracting odd looks from strangers who saw me smiling like a mad women, with the genius of my plan. I finally reached my destination. I hadn't been to the Seine for nearly a year. Last time I had longed to fall into the waters and allow them to taken me away. Today I was here on a happier note. I reached into my pocket and pulled out Rik's ring. Without hesitating I threw it straight down into the blue water bellow. Then I turned on my heal and headed home to Christian without once looking back.


End file.
